2009: The Year That Was

As I’m fond of telling anyone who’ll listen (over and over and over again), I graduated from Bible College. No good Bible College education is complete without a full mastery of prophecy. So why wonder what the new year is going to bring? I can tell you straight out. After the jump: I predict the year in indie rock. Please feel free to add your own prophecies to the mix, and Happy New Year!

January 2009: Bon Iver releases his second record, the curiously-titled Amishi, which includes the songs “I Don’t Know Why You Hate Me,” “I Try So Hard,” “I’M Cold? No, YOU’RE Cold,” and “No, I Won’t Get Over It.”

February 2009: Jeff Mangum sets blogs alight with the announcement that he will spend the bulk of 2009 performing one of his signature albums from start to finish. Rapture soon turns to disappointment, however, when he clarifies that the record he means is Orange Twin Field Works Vol. 1.

March 2009: Kevin Barnes releases his first solo album, a ’60s folk throwback he cheekily titles The Nude Dylan. He announces that he will support the record by playing a string of shows completely naked. The tour is delayed by several weeks, however, when Barnes finds it incredibly difficult to recruit a drummer.

April 2009: eMusic faves Gaslight Anthem shock audiences by following The 59 Sound with a somber, all-acoustic, Woody Guthrie-inspired record called North Dakota. Previous Gaslight detractors immediately pledge loyalty, agreeing that history will remember this as “the ‘cool’ Gaslight record.”

May 2009: When the newly-married Zooey Deschanel leaves She & Him, M. Ward decides to recruit a new vocalist for the her vacated slot via an internet contest entitled “Me & Him,” in which fans are invited to record “duet” vocals alongside M. Ward scratch tracks. Unsurprisingly, the winning submission comes from Cat Power.

June 2009: Vampire Weekend release their sophomore effort. Entitled Campire Weekend, the record is said to have been influenced by Sparks and ’70s disco. Weirdly, it all still kind of sounds like Graceland. Having lost track of whether or not they are supposed to love or hate the band, bloggers choose to ignore it completely, focusing instead on the new Sufjan Stevens record, The 400 Block of Acequia, Idaho

July 2009: Oprah Winfrey names Ryan Adams’ 451st Book, Just Like How I Am as her pick for the month of July. Having written 17 books since that one was released, Adams tartly dismisses his earlier work as “bratty, self-absorbed and immature.” He does this via skywriting over the East River on the 4th of July.

August 2009: After a series of unrelated mechanical failures simultaneously strands Stephen Malkmus, Bob Nostanovich, Scott Kannberg, Steve West and Mark Ibold in Campbell, Wyoming, the members of Pavement briefly reunite for a round of beers at Jr.’s Sports Bar.

September 2009: Craig Finn now just reading Bukowski novels over Darkness at the Edge of Town.

October 2009: In a surprising and somewhat controversial move, Taylor Swift signs to Bloodshot, angering her management and alienating her fanbase of pre-adolescent girls and post-post-post-post adolescent male rock critics. Her position on the eMusic PowerCharts, however, is unaffected.

November 2009: Soundway releases the Various Artists compilation Primitive All-Oud Proto-Punk from Zimbabwe, 1930 – 1943. eMusic immediately names it album of the year.

December 2009: Bon Iver & Amishi are married in a small ceremony outside Wilmington, Delaware. After receiving her first kiss as Mrs. Iver, Amishi was heard to mutter, “Really? That’s it?” Iver swiftly commences work on record #3.