fantasy indie idol

Tomorrow night on Fox, American Idol continues whittling down the field, which now stands at 20 contestants. To the eyes of this sometime-viewer of past years but a very dedicated one for this season, American Idol’s sixth iteration is a doozy, with Brandon Rogers, Melinda Doolittle and LaKisha Jones all clear and engaging favorites. But for folks who actively dislike pop music and sit on the indie side of the fence, why should they watch? To imagine how their favorite indie stars would fare.

(Note: For the purposes of this essay, we’re wiping away American Idol’s age constraints (within reason), as they restrict contestants to 16-28 years-old.)

Britt Daniel (Spoon): Mocked immediately for looking like “a cornstalk” by Simon, Daniel’s audition gets off to a troubled start. Performing “The Agony of Lafitte,” his scourge of the major-label system, as a bit of quasi-protest, Daniel gets support from the trod-upon Randy Jackson, but bland words of encouragement from Paula and a stern no from Simon. Daniel snickers as he strolls out the door.

Song to Perform: “The Agony of Lafitte”

Idol Destiny: Audition doesn’t even make the TV cut.

Will Oldham (Bonnie “Prince” Billy): This one will be ugly. Confronted with Oldham’s scratchy, often sharp vocals, Simon and Randy will barely disguise their smirks and derisive guffaws as Oldham continues singing, both embarrassed and pissed. Hurt, Oldham announces he is retiring the Bonnie “Prince” Billy name and will now only record as Palace Cousins. The judges look on completely confused.

Song to Perform: “Sucker’s Evening”

Idol Destiny: Used in endless promos during NFL games to promote the upcoming, “worst ever” seventh season.

Craig Finn (The Hold Steady): Certainly the possessor of a distinctive and, to some, stirring voice, Finn would likely face trouble: would Randy, Paula and Simon be willing to sit through a five-minute Springsteenian dissertation on Midwestern teenagers?

Song to Perform: Bruce Springsteen’s “Racing in the Street.”

Idol Destiny: Rejected at the door.

Ryan Adams: Someone should start passing around a collection plate right now to bribe Adams into entering next year’s competition. Can you imagine the confrontation between Simon and Ryan after Adams insists on singing 29 songs instead of one for his audition (it’s called Robert Pollard Syndrome)? The Idol censors would have to mute a good 30 straight minutes to catch all of the obscenities.

Song to Perform: “Oh My Sweet Carolina”

Idol Destiny: Banned for life, but a brief media sensation.

Peaches: Probably best to leave this one alone…

Song to Perform: Umm…. pass?

Idol Destiny: Do we have to ask?

Jeff Mangum (Neutral Milk Hotel): This one is obviously quite a leap for the reclusive Mangum, but let’s say he’s feeling inspired enough to venture out of Brooklyn on this given day. After wowing them with an accordion-accompanied (he snuck one in under his shirt) mash-up of “Two Headed Boy” and “Unchained Melody,” Simon immediately announces Mangum as a “major talent” fit for the finals. Jubilant, Randy and Paula pile-on, declaring his voice a “gift from the dawgs.” In the after-audition interview, Mangum stares blankly into the camera as Ryan Seacrest asks him questions. After a good two minutes, Mangum murmurs “thank you Anton Karas” before shuffling out into the sun. He never shows up for Hollywood Week, and his legend grows.

Song to Perform: “Two Headed Boy/Unchained Melody,” with accordion

Idol Destiny: A.W.O.L.

Erika Winnerstrom (Heartless Bastards): One of the most soulful indie voices on the circuit right now, Winnerstrom would be a gimme in the early going, but she could struggle with singing “younger,” more pop-oriented songs during Hollywood Week. She’d get a solid record deal out of it, and maybe a shot to sing with Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Song to Perform: “Searching for the Ghost”

Idol Destiny: A Hollywood Week casualty.

Chan Marshall (Cat Power): Chan Marshall would be an interesting case for Idol: an undeniably great, sultry voice, a beautiful, intriguing look and a witty persona when she feels like sharing it. But considering her longstanding issues with stage fright, could she handle it? Aside a few hiccups now and then (she would definitely forget some words during Hollywood Week, even though the girl probably knows every Motown song by heart), she’d power through and do well. But how would America (and the Idol producers) react to her checkered past? In the end, personality, not talent, does her in.

Song to Perform: “The Greatest” (eMusic Solo Version)

Idol Destiny: One of the first out when it gets to the final twelve.

Aloe Blacc: The Stones Throw crooner’s crystal-clear vocals will wow the judges, sending him to Hollywood with 100% certainty. It will be a struggle to make the final twelve, as he must work hard to stand out (on Shine Through he distances himself with quirky arrangements while his voice remains relatively straight), but as luck would have it, he pulls it off.

Song to Perform: “Long Time Coming”

Idol Destiny: Top Ten.

Neko Case: Beautiful as can be and with a voice that will cut through so much of the competition with its forcefulness and confidence, Case will be an instant star from her first audition. Blogs will endlessly chatter about Simon’s painfully obvious crush on the Virginian, and she’ll coast through the entire competition… before getting tripped up on AC/DC Night.

Song to Perform: “That Teenage Feeling”

Idol Destiny: She chokes, finishing third.

Zach Condon (Beirut): As a sweet-faced 19-year-old with good-enough fashion and an open, honest voice, Condon will be an immediate favorite with the judges. Though too bland to get much attention through Hollywood Week, Condon will emerge once Idol gets down to the final twelve, getting by just enough to make the final two (a.k.a. The Aiken).

Song to Perform: “Postcards From Italy”

Idol Destiny: Finishes second.

Beth Ditto (The Gossip): Finally, one of the greatest singers in indie rock gets her due. Faced with her unbeatable voice and cocksure swagger, the judges will have no choice but to celebrate her obvious talent. She breezes through the audition and Hollywood Week, mixing up her numbers between Motown/Stax and the Gossip, and arrives at the final twelve as a clear favorite. There’s just no stopping her.

Song to Perform: Pretty much anything, but we’ll go with “Standing in the Way of Control”

Idol Destiny: Your next American Idol…